


a kingdom and you

by sowish



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: :D, F/F, and her handmaid heejin who is definitely more to her than just some maid, it's a forbidden love oooooooo it's a forbidden looooooovee, we all know princess heejin but how about princess hyunjin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-01
Updated: 2019-06-01
Packaged: 2020-04-05 22:10:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19049437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sowish/pseuds/sowish
Summary: In preparing for the crown, Hyunjin never counted on falling in love with a girl, her handmaiden (aka best friend), nonetheless. In a dichotomy between her heart and her people, Hyunjin finds herself at a loss.





	a kingdom and you

**Author's Note:**

> i don't normally write this quickly, i don't know what's happening to me.
> 
> anyway ! pls enjoy!!
> 
> also don't mind how blurry i get around the political side of things and the odd mix of modern and classical takes on royal life. idk how actual regal things are supposed to go; shoutout to the colonizers for the imperialism and the founding fathers for the democracy !

Being a princess, Hyunjin knows all too well the strains of being proper and formal.

 

She loses her childhood much sooner than the average kid would. When she is six, her parents force her to take piano lessons and classical ballet on top of her usual academics. When she is seven, she is already studying Korean folklore and royal history. When she is ten, she is already aware of the importance of her role and can efficiently grasp four different languages other than her own.

 

All throughout her childhood, the one thing that Hyunjin could find comfort in, the one person that she could let loose around, is the daughter of her personal maid. Her parents has always encouraged their friendship for the future of the girl’s mother being relieved of her duties. While it seems eons away, the maid’s daughter knows that the girl she is friends with will be the person she will be taking care of in the future.

 

Growing up with Hyunjin and being friends with her, Heejin is lucky to have a taste of royal privilege. For the most part, it is because Hyunjin is stubbornly adamant on doing things with Heejin. When she first starts piano lessons, Hyunjin practices the day’s lesson with Heejin by teaching her what she learned mere hours ago. (Heejin remembers how Hyunjin’s fingers stretched more easily across the white keys and how her own smaller hands struggled to reach the next octave). When she is seven, Heejin sits on Hyunjin’s bed while her mother braids Hyunjin’s hair. The younger girl stumbles through reading the difficult text of Korean folklore, but, the stories still intrigues her. (Heejin still remembers the first story Hyunjin read to her. It had been the love story of Gyun Woo and Jik Nyo. Heejin remembers the fascination that bloomed in her and the awe that came from learning about the folklore behind Chilseok).

 

Easily, Heejin is Hyunjin’s best and only friend. The two had spent their toddler years playing together, chasing each other through the acres of the princess’ land, catching the cold together after playing in the rain. For the short years that Hyunjin has the freedom of being a child, Heejin is the one to share them with her.

 

~.~.~

 

In every hallmark of Hyunjin’s life, Heejin is there for all of them. The first time Hyunjin loses a tooth, Heejin is the first person she tells. Heejin remembers the fear that had been in the girl’s eyes.

 

_“Tokki! I don’t know what happened! I was just eating bread and then my toof just fell out! And my bread had blood on it!”_

 

_Heejin had already lost a tooth before and remembered what her mom did to take care of her. Taking Hyunjin’s hand, Heejin leads her to the kitchen and asks one of the women there for a warm glass of water. When she hands her the cup, Heejin’s small hands are careful as not to spill._

 

_“Just rinse and you’ll be okay, Aeongie. The tooth fairy’s going to take your tooth and give you something in return. Last time, it left me a bracelet!”_

 

_Heejin later tells her mother about Hyunjin’s lost tooth and when she wakes Hyunjin up in the morning, the girl’s toothy smile is sporting a cute gap while she waves a bookmark in the air, “The toof fairy gave me a bookmark! I don’t have to search for my spot in my books anymore, Heekkie!”_

 

Heejin remembers the time Hyunjin got praised for her performance during her first serious piano examination.

 

_Heejin had been waiting for Hyunjin outside of the room where her examination was taking place. Hearing the smooth and flawless playing through the door, Heejin is not surprised to see Hyunjin burst through the door with a smile on her face. (Her lost tooth had already grown in at this point, but, Hyunjin had just lost one of her canines so her smile was still gapped. It’s endlessly endearing how how her smile looks)._

 

_“Heejin! I did it! Teacher said that I was exceptional!”_

 

_In her excitement, Hyunjin pulls Heejin into a bear hug and twirls her around, her feet just barely leaving the floor._

 

_Heejin knew that Hyunjin was going to be perfect. The girl tried especially hard and carried too much motivation and diligence to perform anything less than perfect._

 

The first time Hyunjin gets seriously scolded, she is thirteen and it is the first time Heejin sees the light in the girl’s eyes dim. The two had been rolling around in the grass, playing around, and watching the clouds roll by while picking petals off of dandelions and coming in far too late for dinner.

 

_Heejin can hear through the door. Hyunjin’s mother is more disappointed than she is angry and knowing Hyunjin, the girl is more hurt knowing that her mother was more disappointed than she was angry. (Her mother couldn’t be mad at her daughter for being youthful and free. But, in the position she is in, Hyunjin could not be so reckless anymore and her mother expected her to know by now where her standards lay.)_

 

_“You’re thirteen now, Hyunjin. You cannot make messes like that anymore. You cannot be anything but punctual. You are going to be the future queen of this kingdom and it is irresponsible of you to come into this castle late for dinner with dirt and grass stains on your dress.”_

 

_“But, Heejin-”_

 

_“But, Heejin is not like you, Hyunjin. She does not have a land of people to watch over. She does not carry the responsibility you do. She can afford to mess up and walk outside of the lines. You, however, cannot. Everyone’s eyes are on you and they are like vultures waiting for you to mess up. It is difficult and unfair, but, that is the duty we carry as royals. We must be perfect. We cannot show weakness. Our downfall comes at our vulnerability, Hyunjin.”_

 

_Heejin might not have the responsibilities Hyunjin has, doesn’t have the eyes scanning her every move—the scrutiny and pressure—but, Hyunjin is her responsibility. Taking care of her, outside of lacing up her corsets and dresses, Hyunjin’s emotional and mental welfare is also her concern. Not as her handmaid, but, as her best friend. That is her greatest responsibility, not taking care of the future heir._

 

_It is a great responsibility to bear, but, Heejin takes it without hesitance. She would choose Hyunjin over anything any day._

 

That one lecture changes Hyunjin’s perspective on life. Like a switch, she is more watchful and cautious of her actions, more hesitant to make impulse decisions.

 

(Hyunjin usually loves spontaneity—loves randomly going for a horse ride and dragging Heejin with her, loves playing piano at the odd hours of the morning, and springing trips to the town out of nowhere.

 

Heejin can’t remember the last time Hyunjin made a trip to her favorite bakery without planning it and putting it on her itinerary.)

 

Hyunjin changed that night and Heejin is the first to see it. It’s how Hyunjin asks Heejin to braid her hair instead of leaving it to breeze along with the wind. It’s how Hyunjin spends endless hours at the piano even after teaching Heejin a part of a song she is working on. It’s how Hyunjin walks with her toes up after ballet to ease the pain of practicing point. It’s how Heejin has to wrap the girl’s ankles even tighter with tape.

 

It hurts her to see her friend become cognizant of how cruel the world can be. Heejin wishes she reveled more in the pure innocence and joy that brimmed in Hyunjin’s eyes before that day.

 

As they grow together, Heejin sometimes sees flashes of the little girl who had freedom again, like the time when she forced Hyunjin to play the theme song of _Naruto_ for her. At first, Hyunjin refused to play something so trivial as a television show’s theme song, but, all Heejin had to do was pout and flutter her eyelashes to get the princess to give in.

 

_“Heejin, I will not play the song to please your obsession for this show.”_

 

_At her refusal, Heejin goes for the girl’s Achilles’ Heel and pouts her lips and softens her eyes to further appeal her case._

 

_“Aeongie, please?”_

 

_Hyunjin just sighs and looks away from the girl’s babyish eyes and pout before pulling her phone out and searching for the sheet music._

 

_“You’re lucky you’re you, Tokki. I wouldn’t do this for anyone else.”_

 

_Heejin yips a small sound of excitement and hugs Hyunjin, nuzzling into her neck. Hyunjin tells her to let go, but, the way her body relaxes into Heejin’s affection and the way the older girl can hear the pianist’s smile only gets her to burrow in even further._

 

_(Hyunjin’s soft spot for her is just too easy for her to take advantage of.)_

 

_Pulling up the sheet music for it, Hyunjin only takes a moment to glance at it before playing. Unsurprisingly, she remembers the piece and plays with ease, but, when Heejin starts humming along to the theme song and mimics the Rasengan move Naruto does, Hyunjin laughs and it’s the one where her canines show and it is bright and warm and chiming and everything Heejin misses hearing and seeing._

 

_If Heejin had to go full weeb again for her best friend to laugh like that again, she would. Capitalizing on the happiness that she sees shining in Hyunjin, Heejin takes the black piano dust cover and folds it half and then in fourths to wrap it around her head like the headband Naruto wears. Hyunjin doesn’t have a hand to cover her mouth when she laughs even more._

 

_Heejin likes Hyunjin’s dedication to playing the sheet music right. She likes how she can see Hyunjin’s relaxed and free smile. It reminds her of the innocent and excited little girl that would twirl them around in circles on the grass at the courtyard._

 

_Hyunjin’s mother is roaming around the castle and the sound of her daughter’s laugh eases her tired heart. Being royal isn’t all lavish and pleasure as it is made out to be. It is easy to lose one’s self in the pressure of being perfect and the stress of putting a whole kingdom on one’s shoulders. She hates how she had to be the person to heave the weight on her daughter’s shoulder. But, knowing that Hyunjin has Heejin beside her to make her laugh again, she is endlessly grateful for Heejin’s presence in her daughter’s life._

 

_Hyunjin had her own responsibilities as everyone else did, but, Hyunjin’s mother thinks Heejin’s has the utmost importance. Taking care of her daughter in all of the ways that Heejin does is a duty that is vitally necessary, not just for their kingdom, but also, for the wellbeing of a mother watching her daughter grow in a constrained home._

 

~.~.~

 

Every summer, the king and queen throw a ball in celebration of the coming of the season. When Hyunjin was young, she enjoyed the occasions because she could meet with fellow princesses in Korea and talk with them. Despite being with her other royal friends, she always wished that the one that got her ready would be there beside her. Instead, Heejin remains in the background and away from the glamour of the ball. Hyunjin never liked that and wished the girl could dress up with her and attend the balls with her—she hated how hiding Heejin away sounds a lot like a secret to be kept and being ashamed of her. Hyunjin could and would never be ashamed of having Heejin beside her. If she could, she would link her arms with Heejin’s to show how proud she is to be good enough to have her in her life. Nevertheless, her affection for Heejin shows to be true when the other princesses around her ask for Heejin’s wellbeing.

 

(Subconsciously, Heejin always leaks her way into Hyunjin’s conversations and despite the girl never being at the balls, Hyunjin’s friends knew the kind of person Heejin was and came to think of her fondly too.)

 

Now, however, at eighteen, the balls her parents hold feels like a horrible night of speed dating. All Hyunjin wants to do is hang out with her friends—and even more with Heejin—and eat way too many hor d'oeuvres, but, it seems like her night is an endless line of princes with the goal of courting her. The older she gets, the more viable she is as a political figure and Hyunjin knows that the incessant attempts at her hand is for the benefit of other kingdoms. (Hyunjin’s mother has been pestering her about it too. Sometimes Hyunjin wishes she could be an average seventeen year old teenager stressing about pimples and finals, but instead, she is dealt with the pressure of finding a prince to wed and a kingdom to govern. Hyunjin quickly grew tired of feeling like an asset rather than a human being with emotions and her own ambitions. )

 

At this point, the only person who hasn’t made her feel such a thing was Heejin. Even for being her personal handmaiden, the girl never felt like that to the princess—she had always regarded her as her greatest friend. In front of company, Heejin would address her properly, but, whenever they were alone (which was often), Heejin would call her by her name or by the nickname she gave her when they were five. Heejin makes her feel normal, as if she doesn’t have a future kingdom to rule and she feels protected from the scrutiny her own kingdom has for her in every move and decision she makes.

 

(Heejin is her sanity on her tough days and her silver lining in every passing night.)

 

When the ball comes to an end, Hyunjin is ecstatic to retire to her room where she knows Heejin will be waiting for her. While Heejin unzips her dress and unlaces the intricate pattern of her corset, Hyunjin is wiping away at the makeup on her face.

 

“I wish you were with me tonight. I mean, I always wish that you are, but, my mother kept sending boring princes my way.”

 

Heejin minds her own business while Hyunjin changes into her pajamas after cleaning her face of makeup.

 

“You know that you’re going to have to marry one of them at some point.”

 

Hyunjin whines and rolls her head around, “I don’t want to marry them, Tokki. I don’t want to marry anyone anytime soon. But, my mom’s been bothering me about it and I’m so sick and tired of feeling like a damn business transaction.”

 

Handing Hyunjin the yellow headband she wears to keep her hair away when she brushes her teeth and washes her face, Heejin notices how tired Hyunjin’s eyes are. She kisses her cheek and feathers her fingers through Hyunjin’s hair and trails the fingers of her other hand down to the other girl’s own to grasp them and to pull her into a tight hug. (Heejin didn’t need to know Hyunjin for eighteen years to know that she needed comfort. But, knowing her for that long gives her all of the right things to do to make her feel better.) The moment Hyunjin’s arms wrap around her waist and lock her in, Heejin can feel the other girl’s body relax and loosen up. Speaking softly and lowly to appease the intimacy between them, Heejin knows that this moment is her responsibility as the princess’ safe haven.

 

“You’re the person that means the most to me, Hyunjin. Whatever it is that you feel—the moments where you’re sad, the days where you’re happy—they mean something to me. Your dreams and little wishes, I remember them. And I wish I had the means to grant them for you. Your existence, not as royalty, but as someone important to me, is so valuable to me. You’re more than an asset, much more valuable than any crown, and more than what anyone and everyone makes you feel. There is not a single materialistic value that could ever come close to your worth as a human being and I can promise you that nothing will _ever_ be enough.”

 

And in Heejin’s arms, Hyunjin cries. It’s the soft and silent kind, but, it’s still enough to make Heejin’s heart pang. Hyunjin’s heart, Heejin thinks, is more precious than anything in the world and she promises to protect it for as long as she possibly can.

 

It’s not just because Hyunjin is her priority as a maid or as a friend, but, it’s because of the way Heejin comes to love her as more than that. She doesn’t remember when she fell in love with her, just knows that she always has. The line between friends and lovers was always blurry to her. All she knows, and all she cares to know, is that she loves her and that she would do whatever it takes to show Hyunjin that.

 

~

 

When Heejin is nineteen, it is the first time she hears the full story on Hyunjin’s family.

 

Much like tunnel vision, her life and focus had always been on the princess. She knew the girl had a brother and knew that he ran away, but, Heejin never knew why and never took the risk to ask why. The Kim’s runaway son is a topic that none of the family members wished to talk about. All Heejin knew was that he ran away at fourteen when Hyunjin was two.

 

The first time Hyunjin opens up about him, the two had been in the princess’ room, relaxing after dinner. Heejin remembers how the girl traced at the lines on her hand and how she laced their fingers together before telling her about her lost brother. She learns that the throne should have gone to him, but like a coward, he ran away from the responsibility and shoved his rightful place into the hands of his baby sister. Heejin figures that he had been the reason why Hyunjin’s freedom as a child curbed so suddenly. In the years that the king and queen groomed their son to be the king, they had to refocus their adherence and attention to Hyunjin after years of disappointing news—the numerous scouts sent and the flyers posted up throughout the kingdom were never enough to find their runaway son.

 

Hyunjin’s parents would never admit it, but, that is one of their greatest failures, both as parents and as rulers. Hyunjin’s mother stopped crying at night, but, she never stopped looking around corners and odd pockets of their kingdom on her business journeys to look for her son. If he didn’t want to be found, he wouldn’t be and that was just how his personality was. He was always strong-headed and stubborn, more in tune with his own desires and needs than that of others. In actuality, Hyunjin had the natural attributes of a ruler than he had and it shows with how seamlessly it looks when she assumes a great responsibility.

 

That doesn’t mean it is easy for her, however.

 

Hyunjin never tells her mother about the resentment she has for her brother, doesn’t tell her how she doesn’t miss someone who was barely in her life. Hyunjin couldn’t even say she felt abandoned by him if she never felt like he was there for her. But, that doesn’t stop her from making him the villain in her life. It doesn’t stop her from despising him for his cowardice and running away when a kingdom and his family depended on him—when Hyunjin depended on him to be there for her as a brother.

 

Even with Heejin puzzling into all of the empty gaps in her life, nothing could replace the role her brother should have filled. In the likes of family, Hyunjin always felt alone in that matter. Her mother and father had other responsibilities to attend to and rarely spent the time Hyunjin craved for with her.

 

(Hyunjin couldn’t even say Heejin felt like a sister to her. The way she felt for her was something different, something like the love her mother feels for her father.)

 

Sometimes, Hyunjin thinks that if everything were to be stripped away from her, she would be okay so long as she had the one person who was with her from the very start.

 

As long as she had Heejin, life could go on.

 

That is why it terrifies her when Hyunjin listens to her heart calling for Heejin’s name. Endlessly, stuck in a loop, and reverently calling for her, Hyunjin isn’t scared of loving Heejin. It’s what happens after saying her heart’s intention that scares her. It’s not Heejin refusing her love, no, Hyunjin had a sense that her heart wasn’t alone in its feeling.

 

It’s being a princess that scares her. It’s the fact that Heejin is a girl, her handmaiden, especially. It’s how she has a whole kingdom in her name and these clear cut expectations for her to fulfill. She is to be perfect, strong, and unyielding. Vulnerability is her downfall.

 

And invulnerable is something Hyunjin could never be when it concerned Heejin. But, she takes comfort in that. Heejin would protect her at her most vulnerable—she would celebrate in her sensitivity and give her the privilege to see her defenseless as well. Heejin is her downfall. Not as Hyunjin, but, as a princess.

 

As Hyunjin, however, loving Heejin is one of the greatest things she could do. To love someone with a heart as golden and genuine as Heejin’s is her salvation.

 

But, loving Heejin and being with her the way she wants to would be the reason why she’ll be torn away from her. She doesn’t want to be without her. Life without Heejin is a concept so bizarre that Hyunjin refuses to even consider it.

 

Just as the sun rises and falls, Heejin’s presence is meant to be in Hyunjin’s life—there is no other answer, no other possibility.

 

And if Hyunjin were to be brave and confess, then what? If Heejin were to like her back, there would be nothing that they could do.

 

Heejin knows as well as Hyunjin what the princess’ importance is and what her role is to the crown. Heejin swore to the king and queen to do whatever that is best for the kingdom. Being with Hyunjin and endangering her and the kingdom is something she could be condemned for.

 

It terrifies her.

 

If Hyunjin had to keep her heart’s callings to herself to keep Heejin in her life, it would just be another duty to the crown that she has to fulfill. And with her track record, she has been nothing but consistent at keeping to her promise to the crown.

 

If she has to be perfect, strong, and unyielding, so be it.

 

As long as Heejin is by her side through it all, Hyunjin thinks she could do anything.

 

~

 

As it goes, Hyunjin can do _most_ things if Heejin is by her side.

 

When her mother tells her about the prince that she is arranged to marry, Hyunjin can’t help how she spirals.

 

“I don’t want to marry him, mom!”

 

“Hyunjin, you have come to learn by now that what you want has no room in what the kingdom needs.”

 

“I’m fine with taking the crown—I’ve been preparing for it my whole life—but, I don’t want to marry someone I don’t love.”

 

Her mother caresses her daughter’s hair, her eyes full of sympathy, “I didn’t love your father when I married him, Hyunjin. You will come to love him.”

 

When Hyunjin cries in frustration, her mother realizes that the girl in front of her sobbing is not the princess and future ruler of the kingdom. The girl in front of her is her daughter, vulnerable and in turmoil.

 

“I’m already in love with someone, mom. And I- I like being in love with her.”

 

Hyunjin’s mother isn’t clueless.

 

She has seen how Hyunjin is around Heejin. She feared this for her daughter, not because she didn’t accept it, but because she knows the people outside of the castle walls would be relentlessly cruel and ruthless if they knew. (And as rulers, truly good rulers, transparency is the marker for genuineness). Her daughter, no matter how refined and responsible and strong she is, is still innocent and young at heart. Sensitive and generous of the love that she gives, it’s one of the greatest things about her. Hyunjin’s compassion and her empathy will be what makes her a great leader. Knowing policies and being an effective diplomat are things that can be taught, but, being good at heart is something that could never be learned if the heart is unwilling to let its guard down.

 

“I know you do, baby. And I am so sorry that I can’t do much for you. I can’t keep people from going against you, I can’t protect you even if I wanted to, and I so badly wish that I could.”

 

The daughter falls apart in her mother’s arms and all her mother hears in her head is Hyunjin’s broken voice whimpering, “I love Heejin, mom, I love her so much.”

 

In the errors that she has made, her son’s disappearance and her daughter’s broken heart are the ones that hurt her the most.

 

She could rule a whole kingdom beside her husband, but, she couldn’t do anything to protect her children.

 

(As a mother, she can’t help but to feel like a failure—unable to keep her son happy and secure enough for him to stay and powerless enough to not courageously stand by her daughter’s heart, she wonders if she deserves the love of her family if she cannot love them the way that she should.)

 

~

 

When Hyunjin trudges back to her room, Heejin is quick to detect her red and puffy eyes. Opening her arms for comfort, Hyunjin makes a home out of them and nuzzles into the girl’s neck. Crying has left her exhausted and her heart’s restraint against keeping her emotions in feels a lot like a losing battle.

 

(Being in Heejin’s arms is the comfort she aches for, and being human, Hyunjin could only be strong for so long.)

 

“What happened?”

 

“I’m marrying someone I’m not in love with and I don’t think I will ever get to marry the person I’m in love with.”

 

Everything in Heejin pauses except for the thrumming of her heart.

 

“You’re in love with someone?”

 

Hyunjin pulls away, enough to lean her forehead on Heejin’s, and she cups the girl’s cheeks and revels in the softness under the pads of her fingers. Her voice is gentle and quiet, raw from the crying she did in her mother’s arms.

 

“We both know that there is only one person in this universe that I could love, Heejin.”

 

And with how Hyunjin’s looking at her, has always looked at her, Heejin knows the answer in the heart.

 

(It’s her. It’s her heart that Hyunjin loves.)

 

Closing her eyes when she feels Hyunjin’s thumb caressing her cheeks, Heejin tightens her grip around the other girl’s waist to anchor herself to the present moment, to not lose herself in her fears.

 

“M- me?”

 

Heejin feels Hyunjin lifting her head to kiss her forehead.

 

Her lips are soft and the kiss that they leave is reverent and gentle.

 

“Only you. Always you, Heejin.”

 

Heejin turns her head to kiss the palm on her cheek, “And you know you’re it for me too?”

 

Heejin opens her eyes to meet Hyunjin’s loving and adoring ones, “It’s one of the only things I ever had confidence in.”

 

“So what do we do?”

 

The princess just closes her eyes and shakes her head, utterly lost.

 

“I wish I knew, Tokki. I wish I could just be with you without people breathing down my neck. I wish I could show you how much you mean to me without being terrified of people taking you away from me or coming for you.”

 

Heejin feels her tears brimming from behind her lids, the dam that keeps them back dangerously close to cracking.

 

“Me too, Aeongie. I’m sorry I can’t grant that for you. I’m sorry I can’t change things for you.”

 

Hyunjin shakes her head and pulls Heejin into her arms and she hates how she can feel the girl’s wet tears on her neck, hates that Heejin feels pain because of her, for her.

 

“There’s nothing for you to apologize for, Heekkie. Just like how you can’t change the circumstances of life, I can’t change how I feel for you and I would never apologize for loving you.”

 

That night, after Hyunjin gets ready for bed, Heejin doesn’t retire to her own room like she normally does and instead sleeps with her arms around Hyunjin, her nose buried into her neck. The early sun calls for her like it always does and waking up with the girl she loves in her arms makes her morning better than any of the ones she has had before.

 

Being with Hyunjin makes everything better, that is something Heejin has always known.

 

~.~.~

 

Hyunjin meets the prince she is betrothed to marry in the autumn. Ironically enough, he shares her name. (If Hyunjin hadn’t been in the position she was in, she would laugh, but, her future looks too grim for her to laugh in the face of the universe.)

 

Prince Hyunjin is kind and polite. He respects Hyunjin’s boundaries and treats her equally. He is engaging and interesting.

 

But, he is not Heejin.

 

When Prince Hyunjin courts Hyunjin, the princess can’t stop herself from wishing that it were Heejin’s hands holding hers and her arms wrapped around her waist while they danced. Hyunjin wished that Heejin didn’t have to get her ready for her dates with him—she always sees how her eyes are more downtrodden, her fingers more hesitant to tie the laces of her corset. And no matter how Hyunjin tries to comfort her, it doesn’t dismiss the fact that Hyunjin could never truly be hers. Even if Heejin holds her at night, even if Hyunjin kisses her cheeks every morning and tells her that she loves her, even if Heejin knows that Hyunjin wishes so dearly to be with her, it’s not enough to make her forget that the man who she is helping Hyunjin get ready for is the one who she will end up with, not Heejin.

 

(In the laws of the kingdom, in the happenstances of life, Prince Hyunjin is Hyunjin’s—no matter if Hyunjin’s heart is Heejin’s.)

 

Heejin knows she shouldn’t be selfish and make Hyunjin feel bad for doing what’s best for her kingdom, for fulfilling the duty she is obligated to do. She shouldn’t shut Hyunjin out or distance herself from her, but, she can’t help how her heart tries to protect itself from the future.

 

(Hyunjin is not hers, even if her heart is. A heart to love is only half without the person. And Heejin, as much as she loves Hyunjin's heart, needs her there to love, needs her there to hold her at night and to get her through the day.)

 

Heejin doesn’t like how she can see how she is hurting Hyunjin. She doesn’t like how she can feel her worried eyes following her around as she busies herself while getting Hyunjin ready for her dates. She doesn’t like how helpless the princess looks as she turns back when Prince Hyunjin escorts her out. She doesn’t like to watch Hyunjin’s life being taken away from her, but, that is the life Hyunjin has always lived. She has always selflessly lived for others—for her parents, her brother, her kingdom. She has always put her own passions and desires in the background so that she could fulfill the desires and standards of others.

 

Hyunjin, always, will put the world first before herself.

 

Heejin will always put Hyunjin first.

 

But, what good is a mere maid to the future queen outside of her duties of tending to her?

 

Sure, Heejin could love her endlessly and adoringly. She could spend her nights holding her to sleep and playing with her hair to get her eyes to droop asleep. She could tell her she loves her each time she loops the end of a string through each eyelet of her corset, could kiss her shoulder before slipping the rest of her dress on, could blow raspberries in her neck just to hear Hyunjin’s happy laugh, but, she could never hold her left hand in public and feel the ridges of metal on her ring finger and feel her heart sigh in happiness knowing that the ring is a physical tie tethering Hyunjin to her for as long as she lives. She could never show how proud she is to be the one Hyunjin loves most, could never show the world how indescribably wonderful it is to love a woman as compassionate as Hyunjin.

 

Hyunjin could never be truly hers (as she, too, couldn’t fully be hers) and Heejin doesn’t know what hurts her more—that Hyunjin is never meant to be with a lowly maid like her or that Hyunjin wants to be with the person that makes her happiest, but, is held back by every law of the kingdom.

 

Heejin can’t stop how she cries at night once Hyunjin falls asleep.

 

She can’t help how her heart aches—how it aches for her and for the woman she loves.

 

~

 

Whenever Hyunjin has outings with the prince, there is always an unspoken tension. Caught between wanting to know how her time went and not wanting to hear anything from her at all, Heejin is stuck looking at the back of her head while she unlaces the strings of her corset. It’s usually silent until Hyunjin breaks the silence.

 

They don’t talk about Prince Hyunjin.

 

Ever.

 

For both of their sakes, they don’t talk about him.

 

(But, they really should. They really should talk about how Heejin’s heart bleeds and how Hyunjin’s desperately yearns and shouts for Heejin’s, only to be met with deaf ears. They should talk, if not to reconcile with the conflict in their paths, but, to prepare each other for the inevitable.)

 

Heejin knows Hyunjin loves her. But, she also knows that Hyunjin has a greater filiality to her parents, her kingdom—that is just what she always has been conditioned to do.

 

Heejin doesn’t want to accept that someday soon she will not be the one to hold her to sleep, will not be the one waking up beside her, will not be the one by her side in the way that she wants her to be. Even if she has Hyunjin for the brief time that she has her in—in the way that she has her—it’s enough to make her heart long for someone who is not even truly gone yet.

 

(Still, that doesn’t stop her heart from giving itself to her, no matter how much Heejin tries to protect it. How could she when Hyunjin’s eyes are so warm, her slight smile so beautiful, and her arms so inviting?

 

She couldn’t say no to her just as much as Hyunjin couldn’t say no to her.

 

Whether it be playing anime theme songs on the piano or wrapping her arm around Hyunjin’s stomach and her fingers finding purchase with hers, refusing a heart in love is an arduous and difficult thing to do.

 

Even if the happiness she feels with Hyunjin is as ephemeral as it is euphoric, Heejin can’t help how she succumbs.)

 

For the first time, Hyunjin talks about the prince, “Prince Hyunjin asked if he could kiss me today.”

 

Heejin’s fingers halts at the bottom of Hyunjin’s corset, her breath coming out shaky when she exhales, “Did you- did you say yes?”

 

Hyunjin looks down at her fingers and twiddles with her thumbs, a habit she does when she gets anxious, “No. I didn’t- I didn’t want to kiss him. I don’t want to kiss him. I can’t do that when I’m- when we’re- when I love you.”

 

Heejin feels her shoulders drop in relief, but, her words contradict the consolation in her heart, “You’re marrying him, Hyunjin. You’re going to have to kiss him eventually.”

 

Hyunjin squeezes her eyes shut before shaking her head vehemently.

 

“Don’t do this to me, Heejin. Don’t remind me about my duties—don’t start becoming the people who try to do what’s best for me by doing what’s best for them.”

 

(And it terrifies her how well Hyunjin is able to read her, how she knows that Heejin pulls away to save herself from the destruction that will come with Hyunjin marrying someone that isn’t her. It sets ablaze to her emotions and lights the fuse that had been eating away at her.)

 

“I am doing what’s best for you, Hyunjin! You can’t get stuck in this fantasy with me! You can’t forget about reality! Prince Hyunjin is going to be in your life as your partner, not me. He is going to be the one beside you when you inherit the crown; he is going to be the one you spend your entire life with, Hyunjin. You are never going to end up with me, no matter how much you love me—no matter how much I love you. We’re not meant to last, Hyunjin. Even if I could wish on every star out there to align themselves for my wish of being with you to be granted, I can’t be greedy and take you away from the people out there that will need you, that will need someone as caring and fair and empathetic as you to guide them and support them.”

 

Hyunjin’s voice shoots back, just as passionate and saturated with emotion.

 

“You think I don’t know, Heejin? I constantly think about the things I have to do, the sacrifices I have to make to ensure my place as princess and the future queen. I constantly monitor the things I say and do, my manners and behavior. For my whole fucking life, for almost every breath I take, I can never forget about my responsibilities. I know what I have to do, Heejin. I know the shoes I have to fill.”

 

Hyunjin turns around to face the other girl, her pleading and desperate eyes locking with Heejin’s, “You’re my safe place away from that—don’t you dare turn away from me and leave me alone. Don’t you dare make me feel like I’m only good for leading, like I’m only valuable because of who my parents are. Please. Please, just love me. Love me the way that you always have been. I’m so used to being strong for others, but, never for you. I’m so used to you protecting me and shielding me away from everything. Please, let me be selfish and ask you to continue to love me—even if I know it will hurt both of us at the end.”

 

(And Heejin could never say no to her—could never refuse Hyunjin’s request to love her. Even if Heejin knows Hyunjin is being selfish, even if she is being manipulative with her words and how she exploits the raw and genuine and feelings Heejin has for her, she couldn’t possibly say no to a request suffocating in desperation and agony.

 

If she has to be strong for Hyunjin, she will. Gladly, bravely.)

 

Cupping Hyunjin’s cheeks and kissing her forehead, Heejin leans hers against it, “Whatever you wish for, Hyunjin.”

 

It’s almost like the girl’s knees buckle the moment Heejin affirms her selfish desires. Pulling her in and tucking her head into Heejin’s neck, the older girl can see how weak and vulnerable Hyunjin looks in the vanity mirror.

 

Hyunjin shouldn’t have to ask for Heejin to protect her—not when she looks so small and helpless in her arms in that moment.

 

If Heejin has to love with reckless abandon, throw her heart into the jaws of heartbreak for the sake of giving Hyunjin the happiness she deserves—that they both deserve—she will. She would do it a thousand times over again even if the pain got worse each time.

 

It is not her responsibility to love and care for her as her handmaiden, but, it is her heart’s natural inclination as the girl’s other half.

 

~

 

Winter solstice brought along the Winter Ball that the Kim’s hold every year to celebrate the season. Hyunjin liked the Winter Ball more than others because it gave the Kim’s an excuse to have a masquerade theme. If there was one thing about balls that Hyunjin liked other than the little finger foods she would sneakily eat way too much of, Hyunjin liked the idea of masks.

 

(She has been living behind one for years now. She has made herself seem eager and excited for the crown despite not wanting it, has fooled others into thinking that she actually liked men, has fooled herself into thinking that she could stay with the person who she wants most.)

 

With her arm locked with Prince Hyunjin’s, the two make their rounds with the other royalty that is there, selling their relationship and chemistry. Being with the prince is better than being shot in for a night of speed dating, but, that doesn’t necessarily mean Hyunjin likes it. She would much rather be with the other princesses, would most absolutely prefer for Heejin to be there with her. But, something will soon come for her in the garden.

 

Or rather, someone.

 

Eagerly making her way with Prince Hyunjin and getting the formalities of welcoming guests out of the way, Hyunjin looks to the clock and waits to hear the eight ringing bells that signifies the time for her to excuse herself from the prince and the crowd.

 

As soon as the clock pangs eight times, Hyunjin brightens up even more than she already was. Her eyes sparkle behind the yellow-gold mask she wears as she excuses herself from the prince. Making her way out into the secluded part of the garden, she waits for the person she has been wanting to see for the whole night.

 

Hyunjin hears Heejin before she sees her.

 

Wearing a gown that Hyunjin wore for a previous ball, the princess thinks that Heejin looks better in it than she ever could. Wearing a pink mask that Hyunjin wore two winter ball’s ago, Heejin shimmers in the night by the moonlight. It is such a vastly different vision to what Hyunjin is used to seeing, but, in the regality that Heejin adopts, the dress looks even more beautiful on her than it could look on anyone else.

 

“You look stunning. I mean, you always look beautiful, but, you make every natural wonder out there pale in comparison.”

 

“Do you think I could fit in with you in that ball?”

 

“Not only could you fit in, but, I think princes are going to start flocking to you for your hand in marriage.”

 

Heejin laughs and Hyunjin can still see how the corners of her eyes crinkle.

 

“Good thing we’re staying out here. I wouldn’t know how to talk to anyone in there.”

 

Hyunjin takes her hand and kisses the back of it, her thumb caressing the back of it.

 

“It’s the same as talking to me when the royal court is around. Just, with more politics. And fake kindness.”

 

Heejin shakes her head before kissing Hyunjin’s cheek, “I like talking to you here, when it’s just us. It means I get to kiss you like that. And hold your hand like this.”

 

Hyunjin smiles and it’s warm and soft and so full of adoration.

 

With the castle windows and doors open, the music from the ball slowly wafts its way outside. Offering her hand, Hyunjin bows the way princes do when they ask for her hand to dance, “Will you dance with me, my lady?”

 

Heejin flusters and she laughs to ease the fluttering in her chest, “Why, yes, my lady, I would love to dance with you.”

 

Hyunjin, too, laughs when she pulls Heejin closer. Knowing the traditional dance of the song because Hyunjin forced her to learn it with her so that she could practice it without her instructor, Heejin glides along smoothly with her.

 

“I could only ever dream of doing this with you, Aeongie.”

 

Hyunjin raises her eyebrows and her voice is lower as to not disturb the intimacy between them, “Why’s that?”

 

Heejin shrugs and flicks her eyes away from Hyunjin’s, “You were always just so far from me. Whenever you have nights like this where you have to be especially royal, I always blend in the back while you shine. And I don’t mind that, I don’t mind hanging out with the other staff, but, you’re so good at making me forget that I _am_ staff. These nights usually just remind me.”

 

Hyunjin twirls her around and her hands naturally find the place where Heejin’s lands.

 

“Well, you mean more to me than the rest of our helpers do, and you know how much I love them. Without them, this whole castle and the people in it would fall apart.”

 

“Are you saying you’d fall apart without me?”

 

Hyunjin laughs and nuzzles her nose against Heejin’s, “That’s exactly what I’m saying, Tokki.”

 

“Good thing I’ll never leave you then.”

 

The princess smiles, and this time, it’s more serene, serious.

 

“I don’t know what I’d do without you, Heejin. I really have no clue who I would be if you weren’t in my life.”

 

Heejin taps at her nose before kissing it, “I guess that’s going to be a mystery unsolved for you.”

 

Done with dancing, the two walk under the willow tree by the lake.

 

Dimly lit with lights from posts on the sedimentary path that courses throughout the garden, Hyunjin takes off her mask and peels Heejin’s away from her face. Trailing her eyes over the girl’s facial features and mirroring her when she sees Heejin’s broad smile, Hyunjin feels how her heart finds peace at being with the girl and away from everything.

 

“Are you sure you’re not the princess here?”

 

Heejin shyly laughs and pushes at Hyunjin’s shoulders, “That’s rich coming from you, Aeognie.”

 

Hyunjin playfully scoffs and shrugs, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, princess. I am but a mere girl in love spending her night with the prettiest woman that has ever walked the earth.”

 

Heejin whines at the princess’ teasing, but, her heart still swoons at her words, “Maybe you’re mistaking yourself for me, Hyunjin.”

 

“If that’s the case then, are you, perhaps, thinking about, maybe, taking my first kiss on this lovely night?”

 

Heejin’s eyebrows pop up at Hyunjin’s bold question. And well, it’d be a lie if she said the thought _didn’t_ cross her mind. Because it has. Multiple times—right now being one of them. Unwilling to end their banter and teasing, Heejin chooses not to let Hyunjin’s confidence get to her.

 

“Would it be taking if you’re giving it to me?”

 

Like two opposing magnets coming together, the gravitational pull between them edges their faces closer, Hyunjin’s forehead resting against Heejin, her nose grazing at the tips of hers. Almost whispering, Hyunjin can barely get her voice out, too preoccupied with looking at how soft Heejin’s lips look.

 

“I suppose it wouldn’t be taking if I want to give it to you.”

 

Now, sick of the waiting and the teasing, Heejin cups Hyunjin’s cheeks and closes her eyes, the intimacy of having Hyunjin’s gazing at hers being too much.

 

“Oh my God, just kiss me already. I can’t-”

 

Leaning the rest of the way in and gently pressing her lips against Heejin’s, there is no dream suffice enough to describe the exhilaration of kissing the girl she loves. Something airy like pillowy clouds in the sky, soft like the cheeks under Heejin’s thumb, warm like the way her heart feels when she is with her, Heejin feels her chest bloom with euphoria.

 

Being with Hyunjin like this is euphoria.

 

The rest of the night is a blur of soft kisses and warm smiles, interlocked hands and hazy moments of jubilance.

 

(When Hyunjin returns to the ball, her mask adorns her face once again, using it to hide behind it like she always has been. It’s only moments when she is with Heejin can she lower it and show her true self.)

 

~

 

Being with Heejin feels like a hazy beautiful dream. Almost too good to be true, Hyunjin often has to pinch herself to reaffirm her reality—that the arms holding her are the ones that she longs for. It’s the feeling of waking up beside her, sharing minty toothpaste kisses, and stealing sneaky glances at the dining table that disarms the princess and charms her into diving deeper into her fantasy.

 

So easily lost in her, Hyunjin forgets what lies beyond their bubble of security—the reality of her responsibilities and her duty as the future queen.

 

When Hyunjin turns twenty in the autumn, Prince Hyunjin presents a ring grand enough to buy the whole town a meal. It’s a sparkling and shining reminder for her.

 

It feels too heavy when he slips it on her ring finger—like it shouldn’t be there.

 

She doesn’t want to marry him. She doesn’t want to marry anyone. And if she did, certainly, the only person she imagined sliding a ring on her finger was the girl she loves. Hyunjin can’t help but to pity the prince. He’s kind and tries his best to entertain Hyunjin’s time. He respects her space and her as a person. The princess can see that when he talks about his kingdom, about his loyalty to the crown, that he is essentially the perfect person to rule beside her. (But, that doesn’t mean he was perfect for her). For taking his time and his effort, Hyunjin wishes she could apologize to him, but, that would be too much for her to unravel.

 

(Prince Hyunjin doesn’t love her either. But, he loves his people and his family and he wants to make them proud. That was the greatest thing the two could agree on. Their duty to the crown and to the people that raised them is greater than any responsibility.)

 

Still, when she returns to Heejin, she slips the ring off before seeing her. The reminder of it is too real, too sudden. And in the dream that Heejin encapsulates her in, Hyunjin doesn’t want to ruin it. She doesn’t want to wake up, doesn’t want to accept that the time has come to welcome change. But, as it goes, hiding things from Heejin never turns out well. Not just because she’s someone who can read her like the back of her own hand, but, because Heejin accompanies her throughout the day while Hyunjin fulfills her duty. And as a princess formally meeting the prince for dinner with their families, it is only appropriate for Hyunjin to wear the shiny ring.

 

While Heejin worked at her hair to make light waves out of them, Hyunjin fiddles with the silver band in her pocket.

 

“Prince Hyunjin proposed to me. His parents want us to wed in the summer when the solstice arrives.”

 

Just like how reality crashed on Hyunjin, it did the same for Heejin. She, too, was lost in her own dreams with Hyunjin, the rose colored lens deluding her into thinking that she could actually remain in her arms and be shown what is in the girl’s heart for as long as she wished.

 

(She wishes for forever. But, just like every wish that concerns with her being with Hyunjin in the way that she truly desires, this one too will be shrouded in pain and disappointment.)

 

When Hyunjin takes the ring out of her pocket, it rests in her hand, gleaming.

 

“It’s beautiful.”

 

It’s beautiful and it reminds Heejin of everything she lacks in, everything she couldn’t provide for Hyunjin. The feeling it gives her nags at her heart. To make her feel insufficient and small is never what Hyunjin intended, but, Heejin can’t help how she feels just as how Hyunjin couldn’t refuse the ring displayed in her hand.

 

It’s a harsh slap of reality and with the way her chest aches and stings, it leaves her with a lingering pain that gnaws at her. Dreams are only as good as they are real. And being with Hyunjin is like a dream—a reality she’ll never have, but, a fantasy to submerge herself in.

 

It’s time for her to come up for air.

 

(Still, it doesn’t stop her from taking the ring in Hyunjin’s hand and gently slipping it on her fourth finger of her left hand.

 

In another world, in another time, there wouldn’t be anything else in the picture except for them. It’d be Heejin putting a ring on her finger and asking for her hand. But, not in this one. Not in the one where she puts on the ring from another man for the woman that she loves wholeheartedly.

 

It’s cruel and it’s heartbreaking, but, it’s the closest she’ll ever get in the endless chase for her dreams.)

 

~

 

During the dinner, both the princess and her handmaid are glad that the latter isn’t there to observe it.

 

Heejin, for one, doesn’t want to see the person she loves with someone else and Hyunjin, on the other, doesn’t want to subject the person she loves to the turmoil of watching a reality she could never have. Yet, that doesn’t stop Heejin from gazing into the dining hall and watching how the prince takes Hyunjin’s hand to kiss the back of it. It doesn’t stop her heart from aching.

 

As the Kim’s see off the Hwang’s after dinner, Heejin waits where she is stationed at by the entrance of the hall. She wishes that she didn't have to see the prince’s hand at the small of Hyunjin’s back before resting them on her waist. Even when the prince leans in to kiss the princess and Hyunjin turns away for his lips to rest at her cheek, it still digs at the aching in her chest.

 

Hyunjin’s father jesters, “Hyunjin, you’re going to have to kiss him at some point.”

 

Dangerously close to replying flatly, Hyunjin pastes on one of the fake smiles she displays during the seasonal balls. Her mother banters back, oblivious to the turmoil toiling in her daughter’s chest, to the person watching from across the hall, “Saving your first kiss for when it matters, right?”

 

Hyunjin laughs and Heejin knows right by how her eyes don’t crinkle that it was anything but genuine.

 

“Something like that, mother.”

 

(Certainly, she saved her first kiss for when it mattered. She gave it to someone who mattered most to her. To someone who still matters most to her.)

 

(For people so in love and so intertwined, fate earnestly tries to hold them apart. It’s cruel how the universe dangles their hearts on a string and swings them around for the sake of fun.)

 

Later on in the night when Heejin is unraveling the laces of Hyunjin’s dress, the tension is unbearable.

 

“I’m sorry you had to see that. And hear it. I know it’s not easy.”

 

Heejin just nods, her eyes dim and forlorn and skating away while Hyunjin changes into her pajamas.

 

“There’s nothing you could have done; you have nothing to apologize for.”

 

Hyunjin sighs and her eyes close in exhaustion, “I hate how this is hurting you, how I’m hurting you. Even if inadvertently.”

 

The princess sits on her bed, her eyes following Heejin as the girl moves around the room tidying up. Playing with the ring on her finger, Hyunjin’s voice is quiet and yearning, “I wish that we could have more time. I wish that I could just hold onto you longer.”

 

Heejin, lost in her pain, feels like everything is too much, too overwhelming for her to keep the incessant pain she feels dormant. (Her suffering wants to be heard, is terribly desperate to feel comfort for its aching.)

 

Heejin jabs at her own chest, at the place covering her heart, “I know that I can love you the way you want me to—I want to love you in that way too, but, it’s hurting me, Hyunjin. Seeing you with him hurts me and it hurts me to have you to come back to me, guilty and apologetic. Seeing you leave with him feels like notching knives deeper into my heart and I can take the pain, but, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt! For how long- for how long are you going to put me through this suffering? For how long are you going to make me feel so inferior? Even if that is never your intention, I can’t help the fact, just as much as you can’t, that you are the princess, Hyunjin! I’m not, and never will be, good enough for you, for the kingdom. I can’t ignore the fact that you are going to be the queen anymore.”

 

Heejin can’t stop the angry and agonized tears streaming down her cheeks, can’t help but to feel the brunt of her insecurity, fear, and resentment, “I can’t ignore how I am so many eons away from you. The stupid seasonal balls are nothing compared to watching you sit beside him with that ring on your finger and that tiara on your head. You’re going to be the queen, Hyunjin. And I’m nothing but the person who gets you ready for the day. Even if to you I’m more, it doesn’t matter when you have a kingdom to guide—when you are going to have a husband. Prince Hyunjin isn’t just some guy anymore. He isn’t some person wasting your time or just another prince courting you. He’s going to be the person who is going to rule with you, Hyunjin. And he’s a good guy. He respects you and he’s driven and motivated to do well. It’s not fair to him. It was never fair for him or any of us, but, it’s time that we start making it fair for each other. You have to let me go at some point. For him. For you, for me. Because I am going to keep holding onto you; I’m not going to let you go. If not for me swearing on being by your side as your handmaid, but, as someone who has the to freedom to, I won’t let you go. And I’m sorry I have to be one more person to unfairly give you another responsibility, another burden to carry—to be the person to make you leave, even if I know that’s the last thing you want to do. I’m sorry I can’t protect you anymore. I wish that I could, but, I could never wish for you to desert the throne, the people outside of these castle walls.”

 

Heejin harshly wipes her tears away, her voice raw and stained with pain, “I love you for so many reasons, Hyunjin. And all of those reasons are what makes you a great and compassionate and selfless leader. Our kingdom needs someone like you to lead us. And if I can only have you as the queen and nothing else, I am okay with that as long as I have you at all.”

 

Hyunjin’s eyes are soft, swimming in conflict and affliction, her voice terribly affectionate and laden with emotion, “Heejin.”

 

When she holds her hand out for Heejin to take, Hyunjin focuses on how well they fit with hers, how Heejin caresses her thumb over the back of her hand, tries to remember how it calms her heart amidst the storm of turmoil in her chest.

 

“I’m sorry that I have been hurting you. That I chose to hurt you to save myself, that I have made you feel so insignificant. Because you’re not and I failed to make it clear to you that you mean more to me than any of those people outside of these walls. I can’t apologize for how I feel because I can’t apologize for something I don’t feel sorry for, but, I am sorry that I can’t show you and everyone else exactly how it is I feel for you. I’m sorry for being unfair to you, for exploiting your heart in the way that I have. I’m sorry for being a coward, so much that I have made you feel guilty for being unable to protect me. I should have protected you just as much, but, I didn’t. But, I want to start.”

 

Hyunjin blinks to rid of the tears brimming at her eyelids, feels how they make hot tracks down her cheeks. She places a hand over the area on her chest that Heejin jabbed at, a desperate attempt to soothe the aching of her heart, “I’ll let you go, Heejin. I’ll be strong and face the truth. I’ll be the person that this kingdom needs. I’ll make you proud of me—I’ll give you all of the reasons to love me. I’ll let you go; I’ll be the one to leave even if every single fiber in my body doesn’t want to. If I love you, I need to start showing it in the best the way that I can—I won’t hurt you like this anymore, Heejin.”

 

In their solemnity, Heejin can hear how their hearts break, can feel how hers loses the urge to fight for her.

 

What is there to fight for when Hyunjin never truly was hers?

 

Still, with the hand in hers, she kisses the back of it and rubs her cheek against the grooves of her knuckles.

 

In the intimacy of the night, at the hallmark of a new time, Heejin kisses her and she tries to remember how Hyunjin’s lips feel—how soft and pillowy they are, how they fit with hers—and tries to forget how she can taste salt on them.

 

Heejin wanted to share her first kiss with her. She never wanted to share a last kiss with her.

 

She never wanted for there to be “a last.”

 

Before Heejin parts to her room after unraveling the braids Hyunjin’s hair is in, the princess tugs at her hand and pleads once more. Using the nickname that she gave to her when she was five and much more innocent and happier, free from her responsibilities to the throne, “Tokki, just one more. One last kiss goodnight to get me through. Please.”

 

And Heejin could never say no.

 

In the place where they were each other’s security and bared their hearts to each other, it is the same place where they leave each other’s desires behind to prepare for the future.

 

(When Heejin leaves, she’ll never forget how acceptingly devastated Hyunjin’s eyes look.)

 

“Sleep well, Princess.”

 

It’s the first time Heejin calls her princess without the presence of others. It’s the first time Heejin dissociates herself from the person her heart wants the most—the first time she hurts Hyunjin in the worst way.

 

(But, what could they do? They’re just two innocent pawns in the game of chess and life.)

 

“You too, Heejin.”

 

(It’s not surprising that the two fail to get a wink of rest.

 

How could they when their eyes were too busy staining their pillows with tears?)

 

They’re not hurting each other anymore, but, that doesn’t mean they’re not hurting at all.

 

Heejin doesn’t know what afflicts her more. At least she spent her nights holding Hyunjin when she was suffocating in her insecurity, but, now, even if she holds her favorite Stitch doll, Heejin feels how empty her heart is.

 

Everything is changing but the way Heejin feels. She still selflessly loves Hyunjin the way she did when she was five, when she was thirteen, when she was nineteen, the way she did yesterday, and the way that she will love her tomorrow and the infinite days to come.

 

~.~.~

 

As the spring comes and the flowers bloom in effervescent colors, so does the time for the Kim Kingdom to meet change. Finally reaching the time to step away from the throne, the king and queen look to coronate their daughter and have her officially take the throne.

 

Her coronation is the singular moment that starts everything Hyunjin has prepared for for her whole life.

 

Hyunjin has been drafting her crowning speech for the last couple of months. Reading them, it is notable in her words, in the hope in them, how she fares emotionally and mentally when she is writing them. When she was happy (when Heejin was still hers), the speeches are bright and hopeful, smoothly flowing like a beautiful dance. The later ones she writes (where Heejin is anything but hers) are more robotic and detail her agenda, the standards she wishes to fulfill.

 

Hyunjin likes the ones that are hopeful, the ones that remind her of a better time. Using a speech she wrote the week after the Winter Ball, Hyunjin rehearses it endlessly. Practicing all of the traditional dances, Hyunjin thinks about how Heejin is usually the one to dance with her through the ballroom, but, Prince Hyunjin takes her spot at the consequence of change.

 

Prince Hyunjin is a good dancer. Hyunjin remembers the story he told while they glided across the floor.

 

_“I used to be a horrible dancer—two left feet and all. I used to step on my instructor’s feet all of the time, and when I was growing up, I didn’t know how to control my limbs. It sounds silly, but, I was so worried that no one would respect me if I couldn’t dance so I worked really hard at getting better.”_

 

_It might sound silly, but, Hyunjin understands his burden. Anything less than perfection is something worth criticizing._

 

_(Even if Prince Hyunjin is perfect in all of the definitions that exist, Hyunjin couldn’t even propose another world where she and the prince would end up together—there couldn’t be any other possibilities if Heejin exists in the same plane of existence she is in._

 

_It’s always going to be her.)_

 

Even if it is Hyunjin’s own wedding, her mother and Prince Hyunjin’s mother has more input in it than they do. Frankly, Hyunjin wants to delay the time; wishes for time to stop moving. For her own sake, she doesn’t want for time to move forward. Marriage, an arranged one, nonetheless, at twenty is too soon and rash for her liking.

 

Hyunjin wants to be ready when she marries someone. She wants to be in love with them, ready to live her whole life with them. (Loosely, Hyunjin knows that “them” means Heejin—it couldn’t be anyone else.)

 

She used to love the summer and how it gave her more freedom to do what she pleased. (It usually involved meandering around with Heejin or taking her for horse rides to watch the sunset.) But now, she dreads for the season to change. Not just because of her inevitable marriage, but, because she knows that there will be a significant Heejin-shaped figure missing from the summers that she is so used to having.

 

(After hurting for so long, she should have become numb to the pain, but still, it persists.

 

It’s unending just like the repeating loop of her heart’s calling for Heejin’s name.)

 

~

 

The day of her coronation, it is a happy occasion.

 

(It’s only happy because Heejin is proud enough to win out against the sadness that has been beating down on her. After watching Hyunjin grow for the last twenty years and seeing the sacrifices she has made to be fit for this very day, it is physically impossible for Heejin to hold back the pride that overflows in her chest.

 

Hyunjin worked too hard for Heejin to be anything less than proud.)

 

When Heejin wakes her up, it’s the first time in months that Hyunjin wakes up to the girl’s beaming smile. It feels like a continuing dream when Heejin holds her hand and tugs her up in bed for her to start her day. The day is a bustling mess of getting last minute things ready and set for the grand event in the evening. When Heejin gets her ready for the night, her hands are careful lacing the strings of her dress. She feels the temptation to say “I love you” every time she laces the ends through an eyelet, to kiss her neck before blowing a raspberry in it.

 

(She doesn’t give in.)

 

When Heejin looks in the mirror to look at the girl, her heart can only sigh in pleasure.

 

“You look beautiful, Aeongie.”

 

It’s the first time in months since Heejin has called her anything but princess. It makes Hyunjin’s heart go haywire at the nickname. She has missed hearing the comfortable and casual reverence falling from the lips that she loves.

 

“It’s all because of you, Tokki.”

 

(Hyunjin wants to say it’s for her too, but, decides against it. Maybe she would have said it the months back when Heejin used to kiss her before putting her lipstick on.)

 

Heejin smiles and it’s the first time that the two feel any kind of semblance of peace in their hearts.

 

It’s short-lasting, but, it means everything to them.

 

The evening is a glimmering night of glamor and regality. Royal courts from other kingdoms attend Hyunjin’s special night, her friends endlessly congratulating her. Hyunjin is a shimmering vision; the crown will look splendid on her. When she goes up to the king and queen to commence the coronation ceremony, Hyunjin faces the crowd and imagines the faces of the people in her kingdom looking to her for guidance. She catches Prince Hyunjin’s eyes gazing at her proudly, a friendly admiration showing through.

 

Before starting her speech, she looks through the crowd and scans the area by the walls of the ballroom. Finally finding Heejin at the corner of the room, her eyes are shining with pride and adoration. The smile that Hyunjin loves so much is gracing her lips and Hyunjin misses the bright presence of it. (When Hyunjin’s lips subconsciously mirror hers, Heejin’s eyes begin to crinkle and turn into crescents when she smiles even bigger.) There’s no one else in the heavily populated room who gets Hyunjin better than her, who understands the pain she weathered through for this moment, who gives her solace in those moments of helpless suffering.

 

Even if this moment is hers, it feels like it should be Heejin’s too.

 

She’s ready.

 

She’s ready to be the queen, to assume the role she has been preparing for.

 

When her mother crowns her, the kingdom officially welcomes a new queen to the throne.

 

The only person Hyunjin can look at is Heejin clapping along with the rest of the congregation.

 

Hyunjin will keep to her promise; she’ll be the queen that this kingdom needs, she’ll keep on giving Heejin the reasons to love her.

 

Because she loves her still. And she’ll do her best to show it by being the person who Heejin can be proud of.

 

It’s the one night where Hyunjin doesn’t cry herself to sleep.

 

It’s their one night of peace amidst the storms of anguish.

 

~

 

Sitting at her mother’s throne, or rather her throne now, with a heavier crown on her head, it’s a deeply grounding feeling. She is queen now. All of the years she spent refining her posture, learning languages, and studying cultures are finally paying off.

 

Giving up on Heejin, however, nothing could ever amount to the retribution that she should get from the sacrifice. No luxury, no amount of respect, and no power of authority could even come close to amounting to the loss Hyunjin feels without the girl by her side. Even if Heejin got her ready in the same morning, it’ll never be the way it was.

 

_The silence that drowns the air is deafening._

 

_Looking at her through her vanity mirror, Hyunjin can see how tired she looks, how they both look. When Heejin laces up her corset, Hyunjin can almost hear her sweet and low voice saying “I love you” at each loop, can almost feel the ghost of her lips on her shoulder when she slips on the rest of her dress. With a shaky voice, Hyunjin chases after a dream she wished she never had to let go, “How do I look, Heekkie?”_

 

_Heejin’s eyes are dim—they have been since that night—but still, they shine when she smiles ever so slightly at her._

 

_“Beautiful, as always, my Queen.”_

 

_Hyunjin’s shoulders sag. Even if the girl’s words comforted her heart, the title that Heejin regards her with stings at her heart._

 

_“Heejin, please, don’t call me that. You know how it makes me feel when it’s coming from you.”_

 

_Heejin curls into herself and she looks even smaller than she did before and she drops the facade that she assumes, “You know I can’t do that, Hyunjin. I need the lines, the boundaries. Everything gets so blurry when you’re more to me than just royalty. I can’t make you give up on me and then make you long for someone who you can’t be with.”_

 

_By habit, Hyunjin almost takes the hands that are wringing themselves together in anxiety. Halfway out and reaching for it, Hyunjin has to remind herself that things aren’t the same anymore. Reining her hand back and fiddling with her fingers to appease the emptiness she feels in them, “I’m already longing for you, Heejin, whether or not if you call me by my name. But, I understand; I apologize for asking that of you.”_

 

_Heejin looks like she’s two seconds away from crying. (She is.) But, Hyunjin reads her well enough to change the topic, “I’ll be having a meeting at half past noon. Please be sure to be in the Great Hall when it is time.”_

 

_Heejin nods and bows when Hyunjin dismisses her._

 

_Hyunjin hates to see her bow before her, hates to see how far their divide is—not just in power, but, in how their hearts are estranged from each other. It’s hard for her to imagine that just months ago, Heejin would find every and any excuse to kiss her before leaving to fulfill the rest of her duties for the morning._

 

_But, it is just another consequence of the sacrifices she has made to assume the role and responsibilities that she has._

 

_It is just another part of duty as the queen of her kingdom._

 

_And Hyunjin promised to be a good queen, not just for her kingdom, not just in front of the royal court, but, for and in front of the person who matters most to her._

 

_Their suffering will not be in vain—Hyunjin promises to be the leader that her people need, the person that Heejin will love and has loved._

 

Coming to the Great Hall, Heejin is already there, stood at her usual spot against the wall. When Hyunjin sits at the throne, the handmaid gently places the gold and shimmering crown on her head, her attentive eyes taking Hyunjin in.

 

(She was always meant to be the queen. Not just because she worked hard for it or because the title is rightfully hers, but, because of how she innately is. The crown looks like it’s meant to grace and adorn Hyunjin’s head only.)

 

Soon, the last queen and king enter into the Great Hall, their presence being requested of the person meeting with Hyunjin. When the herald comes in, his eyes are wide and he shakes with shock.

 

“Queen Hyunjin, I present to you Prince Woojin, son of the Kim Kingdom.”

 

Woojin? The same Woojin who ran away when she was two? The same Woojin who bailed and abandoned her?

 

When a man walks into the room, Hyunjin can’t even recognize him, but, her mother and father do as they gasp. Hyunjin sees how her father has to support her mother from collapsing, her knees weak with shock. Flicking her eyes to Heejin, the girl’s eyes are wide and her jaw is slightly dropped at the presence of the runaway son, the one that forced Hyunjin to grow up without the freedom she deserved.

 

“Good to be back home, but, shouldn’t that crown be mine, little sister?”

 

Hyunjin gapes at his audacity, his lack of formality and respect.

 

“You can’t come in here and assume that the kingdom will fall to their knees for you!”

 

“Where’s the respect, Hyunjin?”

 

Hyunjin scoffs and crosses her arms.

 

“How could I respect someone who doesn’t respect me? Who left my family behind? Someone who couldn’t be brave and stay? If you expected me to welcome you with open arms, to let you take this crown from me, you must’ve lost your mind in your cowardice.”

 

For the first time, Woojin’s steps stutter, unable to fathom how his baby sister has grown, how she looks scarily close to hating him. Even if he was older than her, he felt himself cowering at her aura of power.

 

“It was too much for me, Hyunjin. You don’t understand how hard it was for me. You don’t under-”

 

“I understand plenty how hard it is. I don’t think you understand the things I had to do to make up for your absence. I don’t think you understand how hard it was as a child to know that your mother cried every night for someone who doesn’t want to come back. You don’t understand the sacrifices I have made to sit on this throne—the freedom I gave up on, the time I have given to be who this kingdom will accept. You’ll never understand the heartbreak of giving up on someone, no matter if you desperately never wanted to. I’ve given up on the person who makes me the happiest, the person who I love, to appease the laws of the throne. So before accusing me of not understanding, how about you consider how you will _never_ understand me? Because if you did, you wouldn’t be standing in front of me with your head held high and your chest puffed out demanding to be king. If you did, you’d apologize to the people who have loved you unconditionally. I am not one, but, the parents who raised me are. If you did, your priority would be to the family, not to the crown.”

 

Woojin bows before her, his head hanging in shame.

 

Much like Hyunjin, he wore a mask of bravado and confidence to fake the guilt he carries for leaving his family when they needed him. There wasn’t a singular amount of groveling he could do to beg for their forgiveness, for stealing Hyunjin’s childhood away from her and forcing her into the strict and restraining life of royalty.

 

When Woojin begins to drop to his knees to ask for forgiveness for his selfishness, their father’s voice cuts through.

 

“Hyunjin, what do you mean you gave up on someone you love?”

 

Hyunjin flutters her eyes towards Heejin for the briefest of moments before looking to him. Heejin’s own eyes fly between the two, her hands clenched into fists in nervousness.

 

It’s the first time the past king sees his daughter looking so torn and worn out.

 

“There’s a reason why I don’t want to marry Prince Hyunjin, father. It doesn’t matter how great of a person and leader he is. I love someone else and have loved them for as long as I can remember.”

 

Her father’s eyes are apologetic, his shoulders sagged in sadness.

 

(How many times must he fail his children?)

 

“Oh Hyunjin, why didn’t you tell us? We could have arranged things differently.”

 

Hyunjin scoffs, exhausted from carrying the weight on her shoulders and in her heart for as long as she has, “I don’t think you could have convinced the entire kingdom to accept their future queen for marrying a girl, her handmaid, nonetheless. No matter who you arrange me with, I’ll never want to marry them if they’re not her.”

 

Leaning against the wall to support herself, Heejin feels how her heart tirelessly yearns for the girl standing at the throne. When the three people of royalty in the room train their eyes on her, she doesn’t feel scrutinized, but still, she wants to curl into herself and disappear.

 

“Heejin? You’re in love with Heejin?”

 

When Hyunjin looks at her, her eyes are dripping with affection, the love in them pouring out, “How could I not? She is my sanity in all of this madness. She is the only person who didn’t treat me like a trophy or a commodity to possess. She has been in my life more than any of you have; me falling in love with someone as caring and selfless as her could not be prevented.”

 

Heejin can only look at Hyunjin, her gaze focused on her (just like it always is and has been). She knows her eyes are brimming with the same emotion Hyunjin sheds.

 

(Giving up on each other is not synonymous to not loving each other anymore. There hasn’t been a day that passed where that changed. Just like Heejin whose feelings will never change, so will Hyunjin’s—stagnant on loving her and only her, even with all of the change, she still could only want her.)

 

“I wish I knew sooner—I wish I could have been the father to make you feel comfortable enough to tell me. In hindsight, I should have been more of a father to you than I was your mentor and king. But, I can help you, Hyunjin. If this is how you feel, I know that you won’t be happy with the life you’re choosing to live even if you have already accepted it. I can work with you to draft a new law. I can’t get all of the people in this kingdom to accept you, but, I can get the laws working in your favor.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

Her father sighs, his heart aching from how he has hurt his children with his inattentiveness. Hyunjin, as selfless as she is for making everything but herself a priority, still needs for her heart to know happiness. Forcing a marriage on her, especially when she loves someone else, would doom her. As her father, as someone with the experience of guiding a kingdom, he will not subdue her to a life of obligation and selfless sadness.

 

“You’re the queen, Hyunjin. You can put into effect new laws; you can change the pre-existing ones.”

 

Hyunjin looks resigned, absolutely hopeless, “I could change all of the laws in the world, but, that’s not going to change how people are going to look at her. I don’t want to throw her to the wolves; I don’t want them to condemn her or talk badly about her just because I love her.”

 

Woojin remembers Heejin.

 

Of course, she was a mere toddler the last time he saw her, but, he knew that Heejin was going to be the person to follow Hyunjin throughout her life. Looking at her, he recognizes the conflict riddling her face, how her hands wrangle together. Woojin felt that for the years his parents puppeteered his life—feeling like a ghost and almost mute.

 

“I know that I don’t have a right to say much, but, if you’re talking about Heejin, shouldn’t you two involve her in your conversation?”

 

And as much as Hyunjin resented Woojin, he wasn’t wrong.

 

Taking the crown off of her head and placing it at the seat of the throne, Hyunjin lowers herself from the platform she was on, both literally and figuratively, to close the disparity of power between them.

 

“He’s right. Heejin, I’m sorry for excluding you in this conversation when you’re the main person concerning it. Clearly, you know what it is I feel for you and the power that I have to change things, but, would you like for me to? For me to begin to show to the world what it is I feel for you?”

 

Everything feels hazy, like a blur. It’s almost whiplash how she is suddenly the most important person in the room despite a queen being in her presence. Her voice comes out raspy and low, unfamiliar with having a voice when it concerned making choices or having such power given to her.

 

“I’ve always wished for one thing, for you to just be you as freely as you want to be. And if I’m a part of that, then, I don’t care what happens to me so long as you get the freedom you’ve been deprived of.”

 

Hyunjin is closer now, close enough to reach her hands out for Heejin’s. Giving into her desires, Heejin takes her hands and squeezes them, the simple longing of just wanting to hold them being sated.

 

“It’s not about me, Heekkie. This is about you. I’m not going to decide anything until you tell me what it is you want for yourself, not for me. Be selfish for once; let me protect you this time.”

 

Heejin feels her eyes glaze over with tears. (The feeling of being valued makes her heart shine.)

 

“I want you to be with me. I want to be able to hold your hand in public; I want to be able to sleep beside you at night. I don’t want to be hidden away; I want you to be proud of me.”

 

Tucking a lock of hair that falls into Heejin’s eyes, Hyunjin’s gaze is soft and adoring, absolutely attentive to the girl lowering her walls for her.

 

“I’m so proud of you, Heejin. And I’ll make sure everyone in this kingdom, in this whole world knows that. I’ll change things; I’ll make everything better. I promise.”

 

When Hyunjin kisses her forehead before letting her hands go after squeezing them one last time, the queen looks to her father.

 

“Let’s get to drafting new laws then, father. I have much to do before the summer comes. I’m not marrying Prince Hyunjin. I’ll make sure of that.”

 

Hyunjin looks to her brother, finding the will in her heart to accept him, “And Woojin, welcome back. But, you’re not taking the crown from me. Not when I have laws to change.”

 

Woojin nods and bows to show his respect.

 

(Hyunjin deserved it. For being the woman that she is, she deserves her whole kingdom’s respect.)

 

~

 

It takes a weekend for Hyunjin to draft a proposal for a new law. Even as the queen, she wanted to be fair to the existing house of lawmakers. Scheduling a meeting for the next Friday, Hyunjin is ready to take stride for change.

 

In the meantime, she arranges for a time to meet with Prince Hyunjin. In being fair to Heejin and herself, she should also be fair to the person who did nothing but respect her.

 

It’s the first time Hyunjin tells anyone outside of her family the truth of what is in her heart.

 

_“Prince Hyunjin, I don’t want to marry you. I understand that we’re meant to help each other’s kingdoms in external affairs, but, I cannot do that as your wife. I’m sorry. About everything. For wasting your time and effort, for being tardy in apologizing to you. But, I’m figuring everything out as I’m going, and unfortunately, I’ve only begun to realize that I have the power to change the circumstance of certain things.”_

 

_The prince remains silent for the most part, almost nonchalant._

 

_“You deserve to know why I have been unfair to you. Not because I’m looking to excuse myself, but, because you deserve to have a sense of closure, whether or not if you need it.”_

 

_Prince Hyunjin sighs, but, it doesn’t seem to be out of anger. If anything, his silence shows his patience and understanding._

 

_“It’d be nice to have the closure, Queen Hyunjin.”_

 

_Hyunjin looks the prince in his eyes and she bravely speaks the words on her mind, “I’m in love with someone else and I’m trying everything I can to make things work between us. It’s unfair of me to balance between the both of you without telling you, but, she isn’t the most conventional person to love in a society so critical of same-partnered relationships.”_

 

_Prince Hyunjin smiles kindly at her, “Not just same-partnered—it’s also differing classes, if I’m assuming correctly?”_

 

_Hyunjin can only nod._

 

_Before the prince departs, he puts a comforting hand on Hyunjin’s shoulder._

 

_“I sincerely hope that things will blow your way. I may not know everything you’ve gone through, but, I have a good idea. And Heejin seems like she gets you through on those tough days. I hope you’ll be able to have what you’re working so hard for, Your Majesty. You deserve that, at the least.”_

 

When Friday comes, Hyunjin dresses herself in a blouse, a silk ribbon tied into a bow at the rounded collar, a silver blazer to grace her shoulders, and a black crisp pencil skirt. Ready to propose a major change to the laws of the kingdom in the room where laws are made, Hyunjin procedes with the burning motivation of a woman in charge.

 

In long and gruelling sessions of discussing and debating that takes the time of a month, a pre-existing law is changed with the addition of a new one. When the post makes news of it in the morning, the two changes in the kingdom’s traditional rules are at the front pages.

 

As the pre-existing law decrees, a change is brought to it that royalty shouldn’t have to marry with royalty exclusively.

 

The additional law denotes the legality of same-sex marriage.

 

It changes everything for her, for people in her kingdom.

 

The night of getting majority assent, Hyunjin comes back to Heejin, her eyes misty with tears, the feeling of victory in her hands—her dream right in her grasp.

 

“I did it, Heejin. We- they passed my proposals. Effective immediately, the new laws are active. People in the kingdom like us can get married now—they don’t have to hide anymore or wait for the tides to change. It’s here, Heejin, change is here.”

 

Thumbing away at the tears that streak down Hyunjin’s cheeks, Heejin feels her own tears fall.

 

“It looks like you’re going to have to find a new handmaid, Aeongie. You know the rule—no dating of personnel.”

 

Hyunjin laughs and she cups Heejin’s cheeks, resting her forehead on hers.

 

“And it looks like you’re going to have to learn some boring things about being diplomatic.”

 

Heejin puts her hands over the ones that are caressing her cheeks and she kisses the girl’s nose.

 

“Good thing I have you then. You’re the best person I could learn all of that from.”

 

Hyunjin gently grazes her thumb over Heejin’s lower lip, her eyes focused on how they’re pulled into a beaming smile.

 

“You’ll always have me, Tokki. I’ll find all of the ways to make sure of that.”

 

Unable to hold off on her desire anymore, Heejin kisses her and it feels like finally coming home. It’s everything she has missed and more, better than anything she imagined or could ever dream of.

 

Hyunjin is better than a dream, more impressive than anything she could conjure up, more loving than she could ever put into words.

 

The next morning, Hyunjin wakes up beside Heejin, a bright and lazy smile on her lips. Getting the girl out of bed and kissing her cheek, Hyunjin is the one to get her ready for the day, laying out all of Heejin’s clothes for her and bringing breakfast to bed for her.

 

When Hyunjin makes a spontaneous visit to town, she bravely steels herself for the scrutiny the two could face—even with the new laws passed. Hyunjin takes Heejin’s hand and kisses the back of it before playfully swinging their arms between them. In a peaceful stroll, her citizens are warm and welcoming, kind and accepting.

 

It’s greater than most things she has felt.

 

(Nothing could ever beat the feeling of being loved by Heejin, but, knowing that her people loved her enough to accept her measures up substantially.)

 

Holding Hyunjin’s hand and kissing her at her favorite bakery, Heejin can’t feel a silver band on the girl’s left ring finger, but, she can imagine that someday, she will be the one to put her own ring on it and that she will be the one to feel the grooves of it pressing against her fingers when their hands lock together.

 

When Hyunjin returns to the castle, she is met with her parents’ proud smiles and her brother’s admiring gaze.

 

Hyunjin, for the woman that she is, has made her decision.

 

Between her kingdom and her heart, there isn’t a question. There isn’t a choice.

 

Synonymous to her heart, her family, her people, and Heejin are all a part of it.

 

There is nothing to choose if she loves all of them.

 

Just as she loves her family, she loves her kingdom.

 

Just as she loves them, she loves Heejin.

 

And Hyunjin couldn’t love anything more than she loves Heejin.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> like always, i thank you for your time and effort to finish reading this piece. i'm always going to ask for feedback and your onions (opinions) and i'm always going to be extremely thankful for the ones left for me to read :D
> 
> also im sorry about the m*n, but, at least they were decent (on hyunjin's part) (also that was my sad attempt at humor amidst all of the Angst)
> 
> reach me @twinklingsana on my twitter/cc if you'd like!!


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